how do you feel when someone you try so hard to keep in pace with when you were little…suddenly has to stop every few seconds? how about watching them limp and struggle so hard to keep the pain down? or when you know they are just struggling to keep up with you?
It hurts to see my dad this way. The man who brought me to school in elementary while carrying my bookbag and rarely holding my hand cept to cross the streets. The man who walked slightly ahead of me but just enough to know I am safely behind him. The man who I wanted to keep up with so struggling with my short legs, I chased after him. Slowly but surely, I’ve reached my goal and when my mom is struggling to catch up with us, I walk briskly besides my dad with ease.
But now. Now it is completely different. I’ve known it since about two to three years ago. Perhaps even longer but I wanted to turn a blind eye to this subject. It hurts to know someone you worked so hard to catch up with is slowly deteriorating. I liked being ignorant of his pain despite seeing the packets of nerve pain medicine my cousin sends for him. I want to turn a blind eye and hope he would be able to walk as quickly as he used to today with me in Chinatown. But I knew he couldn’t. Stopping for multiple times to sooth his pain, I’d always stop besides him. I did what he used to do to me because I don’t want to see him in pain. It hurts too much. I walked just enough ahead yet stopping just for a moment to look behind me.
My dad. The one who I’ve always tried to catch up with. I never noticed how old he grew or know the pains he’s suffered. I just sit at the dinner table and chat with him about silly things. Laugh. Joke. Share a smile. Now, I feel helpless. What more can I do to relieve him of his leg pain? Like FChen said, right now, I will feel helpless but once I become a pharmacist, I may be able to do wonders.
Daddy. Wait just four more years. Four until I graduate. I know you will support me while enduring your pain. You & mommy as well.
I love you guys with all my heart.